Lying on his deathbed, a loving husband was wavering between life and death when he thought he smelled chocolate chip cookies baking. They were his very favourite, so he dragged himself out of bed, crawled to the kitchen and was just reaching up to take a cookie off the plate when his wife slapped his hand with a spatula.
"Don't touch!" she commanded. "They're for the funeral."
Two elderly couples were walking down the street, the women a couple of feet ahead of the men. One man told the other that they'd had a wonderful meal the night before-great food, reasonably priced.
His friend asked for the name of the restaurant. "Well, I'll need your help on this. Let's see, there's a flower that smells great and has thorns on the stem?"
"That would be a rose," his friend responded.
"That's it!" the man replied. Then he shouted to his wife: "Hey, Rose! What's the name of the restaurant we ate at last night?"
"My wife's going deaf and I don't know what to do about it," the elderly man says to his doctor.
"Go home, find out at what distance she can't hear and let me know," the doctor replies.
The old chap gets home, opens the front door and calls: "Hi, honey, I'm home. What's for dinner?" No response, so he goes down the hall a few FEET and repeats the question. Again, no answer. He stands at the kitchen door and asks again what's for dinner. No reply. He goes up behind his wife and puts his arms around her. "Hi, honey, I'm home. What's for dinner?"
She turns to him and says, "For the fourth and last time, you deaf old coot, chicken!"
Walking down the beach, a man found a lamp. He picked it up and rubbed it, and to his surprise a genie appeared and granted him three wishes. "However, for every wish you make," the genie warned, "every lawyer in the world will receive twice what you wish for." The man agreed.
"I've always wanted a Ferrari," he said.Poof! The man had a Ferrari.
"Now every lawyer has two Ferraris," said the genie. "What is your next wish?"
"I'd like a million dollars." Poof! A million dollars lay at the man's feet.
"Now every lawyer is two million dollars richer," said the genie. "What is your last wish?"
After a thoughtful pause, the man finally replied, "Well, I've always wanted to donate a kidney..."